How to Properly Confront your Husband

Question: My husband and I are having communication problems. He always finds a way to turn the conversation and blames me. I usually ended up apologizing and taking responsibility for the problem. I am trying to changing this. I am so tired of not being heard.

What would you say would be the best way for me to deal with this?

Answer: One thing I’ve found to be helpful is to talk to my husband when we’re not in the middle of conflict.  To go to him about important things when we are on good terms. 

When emotions are running high or when we’re in the midst of a conflict, that is not the time for important conversations. The message I would want to convey would get lost behind my tone, attitude and disposition. 

Instead, I wait until there is no conflict between us and let him know I have something important to share. I also request undivided attention and ask him to respond in a calm, gentle, non-offensive way.

I have learned that the more loving and kind I can be in my tone and body language the more effective I am in getting my point across. Then I share with him what is bugging me.

I’ve realized that change is a looonnnggg process, and that I need to count each tiny win as a step in the right direction. 

• If he is open to talking in a respectful manner... win.

• If I was able to speak my thoughts and have him hear them... win.

• If he responds positively... win.

And in time, those wins multiply. 

I can now talk with my husband about anything that bother me, he is open to listening, encourages me to talk with him and welcomes correction.

Proverbs 25:15 msg... Patient persistence pierces through indifference; gentle speech breaks down rigid defences.

You need to be patient and persistent in your message. 

Ephesians 4:1. Be humble and gentle, and have a forgiving attitude, this will keep unity and peace. (My paraphrase)

This mindset makes your conversations effective. 

Doesn’t mean change is instant... 

This is when we need to bear with one another and exercise long suffering.

But if you are persistent in the changes that must take place, then keep at it and watch your relationship move in the right direction. 

This is called effective influence. 

As far as conversation goes....

You can let him know it’s important to you that he sees your perspective and attempts to listen and understand. 

Let him know, sometimes, you just need his ears and loving arms and that you would appreciate if he gave these to you when he sees you struggling... 

If this is what you want... if you want something else than voice THAT. 

Ask him to not bring up his struggles and feelings at these times because it only adds to your already emotional state.

As a wife with god-given desires... it’s natural to WANT certain things from your husband but if he is irresponsible, immature or unhealthy... you’ll need to get to a place where you don’t NEED these things from him to enjoy your life and relationship.

You need to be satisfied with what you have, and appreciate all the good... but not be content with staying there.... because you know BETTER is possible. 

If you‘re feeling brave... you could say...

“I‘ve noticed that when I share my struggles or pains, you tend to take it personally, or get defensive as if I’m attacking you. Please understand this is not the case.

Sometimes my pain has nothing to do with you, I just had a hard day. 

Other times my frustrations may be towards you, and it would be nice if you would be willing to hear my what is bothering me without getting angry and defensive.

We need to be able to discuss concerns and not be hurt or feel attacked in the process.

For growth to happen in our marriage the truth MUST come out, we need to know how we are hurting one another and there needs to be a willingness to change.”

Just remember... it’s important to speak truth, not to stuff it down or hide it, but it must come out lovingly in order to be effective. 

Ephesians 4:15... speak the truth... but do so in love. (Being gentle, soft spoken, calm and humble in our delivery) 

Want more on this topic? Get my free Guide: 3 Ways to Kill Conflict in Your Home.