What to do When People Rub you the Wrong Way
Ask Tash
“I have a family member who triggers me with everything she says. Sometimes I really have to bite my tongue to not express how wrong I think she is and how rude she is. When I have confronted her in the past, it has not gone well and she ended up screaming at me. Is it really best to not say anything? How do I know when I should say something?”
Allow me to share with you a similar situation I’m in with a family member. Perhaps it’ll shed light on what you are dealing with.
I have an extended family member who is often cynical, critical, and brash in their tone. I find them rude and disrespectful during conversations most of the time. Whether we are in a conversation or if I’m overhearing them in a conversation with someone else.
When I was less healthy I’d call them out on it. Saying things like, “thats not nice to say,” or “that may not be an accurate assessment of them.” All this did was cause division and separation between us, and other tension within the family as the “healthy” ones would talk behind this persons back about how “wrong they were.” Yes, they were wrong in their assumptions, approach, body language, tone and demeanour.
But I was also wrong in my approach.
As I’ve grown...
I’ve learned that it’s not my place to chime in. I’m not responsible to fix them. My responsibility starts and stops with how I respond. I don’t live with this person, they aren’t coming to me for guidance or help, they are stubborn and opinionated and confrontation in this area is ineffective and futile. This has been occurring in our family for over a decade.
Now, I do something that at first was hard... but has since become easy. I believe the best of them.
I believe...
They are ignorant to how off-putting they are. Unaware of how others are affected. I don’t think they see the harm or damage they are doing to others (or themselves).
When I believe the best, and see them in this light, it makes me respond to them lovingly and with kindness. I KNOW they’ve had an abusive upbringing and suffered a lot of hurt and heartache. There was no example of how to act, behave or respond in a healthy way. No one has ever shown them or told them (to my knowledge) how to speak kindly and deliver their thoughts in a respectful manner. I essentially give them grace for their shortcomings.
The IMPORTANT thing to note here is... I do not believe they are INTENTIONALLY trying to hurt anyone. That would be abusive and would require different action. They are simply rude and unbecoming.
Although... when this person speaks to their spouse, I feel at times, its abusive in tone, but it’s not my place to butt in. The good news is that their spouse welcomes my thoughts and suggestions on how to respectfully manage this individual. Only with this permission do I have a place to speak into their relationship. After working with this spouse for a number of years, they will attest, they’ve seen quite a bit of progress and change.
Has this immature individual arrived? No. Are they still unhealthy and immature in a lot of ways? Clearly. Have they made progress? Yes.
Is it my place to confront or correct them? Still no!
But...
Because I relate to them in a kind, un-offended manner... our relationship has grown. Their respect for me has grown.
Most recently...
I was having a conversation with someone...
Discussing a controlling lady on a leadership team I’m a part of. (This extended family member just happened to be in the room listening). The discussion was around healthy communication and proper ways to respond. This family member, listening in from across the table, pipped up and made comments such as....
“I do that sometimes.”
“I have a problem with that too.”
“I could grow in this area myself.”
They said it in a sincere reflective way.... everyone in the room lost their breath for a sec. No one confronted them. No one pointed out their wrongdoing. They just happened to be in the right place, at the right time, to hear us talking about someone else... with similar communication problems.
After they said this, we didn’t confirm that, yes indeed, they needed to grow in this way as well. I just continued my conversation, they continued to listen in... and no more was said about it.
What I’ve learned over the years is this...
Long suffering is indeed a virtue. People grow and change very slowly. Patience is a must.
When you develop enough resilience to not be affected by someone else’s unhealthy attitudes is when you’re in THE BEST position to influence them. You can do this just being kind, loving, hospitable, and un-offended.
One thing I teach my kids is to recognize when it’s appropriate to say something and when its not. When should they correct a wrong that another child (or sibling) has done to them and when should they overlook offence?
In almost all situations I instruct them to overlook offence (Proverbs 19:11). Reminding them that it’s not their job to fix others. Someone else’s behaviours, attitudes or responses is not their problem. They are responsible for their own responses despite what the other person is doing, even if the other person has wronged them.
What I see so often with boundaries is that people are enforcing them for selfish gain. Asking someone to act a certain way to make their life more comfortable. Requiring someone to change because it benefits them.
They are enforcing boundaries selfishly, not for the other persons’ benefit.
The controlling lady I mentioned above...
Her sister was also on the team. It came to light that the controlling lady has been manipulating her sister (through guilt and shame) to do things for her, rescue her and appease her.... for years. The sister thought that keeping the peace and being “nice” was the right thing to do. She has since learned that it is actually not loving to keep enabling her sister to use and abuse her.
Love speaks the truth... even if it’s hard to hear… But it does so IN LOVE...
Which means you deliver truth with all humility and gentleness, with a kindness in your demeanour and softness in your tone.
Love... sets boundaries.... to help the other person grow and mature... because it will improve THEIR quality of life.
With this perspective.... Ask yourself…. Am I wanting to set a boundary or confront someone for my sake, to make my life more “comfortable” or because it’s the right thing to do for them?
Your motive will come across in your delivery
Also ask yourself....
Do you have the right to confront or correct them? Have they given you this place in their life? If they haven’t, then it’s an opportunity for you to practice overlooking offence.
If you’d like more information on the topic of conflict, pick up my free guide: 3 Ways to Kill conflict in Your Home.
